SHORT AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF SIKKHAMAT RIN FA

I was born on September 26, 1946. From 1969-1970 I studied in New Jersey, USA. Before returning, a Thai friend and I traveled Europe. Flying back into Thailand I saw that the mountains looked like those in Switzerland, and the sea was blue like the Mediterranean Sea. I started to think for the first time in m life, "Is this Thailand? Is this the world"? Is this all there is in the world? Is this all the world can offer-the same kinds of seasons and mountains everywhere?"

I was so hungry for dhamma so I read books on Buddhism by Buddhadasa Bhikkhu that were so good that I felt happier to be in this world. I sometimes went to this temple to listen to him preach. One day my mother told me that a Buddhist has to practice too; just reading books won't do.

I worked for six years on drug screening research trying to find new drugs to fight malaria. I thought this was the way to help Thais as many were still dying of the disease. We experimented on monkeys and I examined the blood that was taken from their ears every day. I got fond of them so was shocked when they were later killed for their research. I didn't like this job.

Around this time, in the early 1970's, I met Phra Bodhiraks for the first time. He was still a monk in the big, famous mainstream temple, Wat Asokaram. I had been away from almost two years so I did't know that the famous TV star Rak Rakphong, whose songs I loved, had become a monk. I met him again in 1974 when my mother invited him to the house to offer food. He was already wearing a brown robe because he was in conflict with the council of Elders.

In May 1973 I married my second cousin. Before we married he once asked if second cousins could marry. I sensed his motive and answered frankly, "No you'll get idiot children." I wasn't interested in him as a boyfriend but he kept coming to our house. I was afraid of unreal "love" I was afraid of the misery it caused, and that this love might not be love at all. Like the Buddha said, "Being apart from the one you love is suffering." He waited twelve years to marry me! The first morning after we married, he told me that he'd had a dream that I had become a nun! At first, I didn't want a baby. Later we greed to wait two year. I first wanted to make sure we could be a happy couple. I was also afraid of pregnancy and of the thought of giving birth.

We became vegetarians after we met Phra Bodhiraks at the house in 1974 then drove him back to Bangkok when I asked, "how can I have a peaceful mind and stable emotions?" He answered, "Practice dhamma!" I was impressed so I started to go to Santi Asoke Temple in Bangkok every weekend. I also changed my lifestyle. I wore lots of amulets that my father had given me to protect me from the many shootings in Bangkok. Phra Bodhiraksa told me, "The Buddha never gave out amulets, he only preached to his followers. I took them all off. I stopped wearing jewelry, colorful clothes, using make up and cut my hair short. I started to follow the eight precept sand ate twice a day. I stopped doing like husband and wife with my husband so I slept on the floor while he slept in the bed. And, easily enough, I quit my job.

One weekend I went to Santi Asoke to listen to dhamma and ended up staying seven days. On the way there I saw that they people on the bus didn't look happy at all. I realized that I couldn't help them; I can only help myself. Phra Bodhiraksa preached on the subject of enlightenment. When the Buddha realized full enlightenment, a light brighter than the sun penetrated the deepest hell. The animals there that had never seen each other realized their misery. (Understand that this is a metaphor requiring a certain wisdom to understand it.) I suddenly saw myself and the others there as the miserable animals. To love is like dying in honey--like a fly you drown and die in the sticky stuff. And he said that you can look for worldly happiness but you'll get nothing. This day was enormously significant in my life.

When my husband came to pick me up, a monk told him to give up the worldly life because you may look for worldly happiness for millions of lives but in the end you'll have to walk the way of the Buddha. My husband answered, "I will let her stay here" and to Phra Bodhiraksa, "I will give my wife to you forever." On April 6, 1977 I went back home.

Our relatives were there complaining about us separating. My aunt, with her grandson in her arms, said to me, "Please don't make your life troublesome, it makes me feel so sad for you." I told her, "This trouble I can take, but that one, having a baby, I cannot." My husband suddenly exploded and shouted at me, "Okay, let's get a divorce now!" Everyone then started shouting at me and I cried. When I regained my composure, I said, "I really do love him, but if I stay with him and have a baby we will only have more trouble. I want to follow the Lord Buddha's footsteps, even if it is difficult." He went upstairs and I followed. He sat and cried hard but quietly. I consoled him saying, "Nothing can be unseparated in this world. I want to follow the Lord Buddha's footsteps. That is real happiness. Love means you have to sacrifice." He smiled with tears in his eyes and said, "You go first and I'll follow."

The next day he drove me home where I gave all my jewelry to my mother and all my clothes to my cousins. He drove me to Santi Asoke Temple on April 7, 1997 and said to Phra Bodhiraksa, "Please take good care of my wife." Two years later, after we officially divorced, he said to me sadly, "Our movie is over."